IT鈥橲 EASY ENOUGH to turn down the sales brochure being handed out by a promo person to passersby at the mall for yet another property development. Just walk faster, even with a walking stick, and wave a hand 鈥 Thanks. There鈥檚 no need to even get the brochure.
Rejection, or turning down proposals or requests, is a delicate art in our culture of inclusion and avoidance of conflict. (Of course, boxing challenges for charity offer another form of evasion such as an unscheduled trip abroad.)
What an anthropologist calls 鈥淪mooth Interpersonal Relationship鈥 (SIR) is a cherished value for Filipinos. This is part of the kinship system which includes even ritual relationships like fraternities and religious links. The effort to avoid conflict and ensure good relations in social interactions affects how rejections are handled.
The strategies for softening the blow of a negative response may include a request for more information (Can you send me an e-mail on the details?), delaying any definite response (Let me ask my staff to study this.), or simply avoiding the pesky supplicant. In the digital age, there is too the simple expedient of not replying to a text request for a meeting 鈥 YNR?
Good news can be more straightforward. Simple declarative sentences are fine 鈥 you got the dream job you鈥檝e always wanted. Customer feedback on your performance is off the charts. Former rivals now reporting to you genuflect when you enter the room.
What about breaking bad news?
Applications for employment even from the most laughable leafy lettuces (note alliteration) still require deft handling 鈥 You are clearly a person of immense talent, and definitely overqualified to be Vice-President of this conglomerate; You may have been misinformed about the worthiness of our company to employ the skills you can more profitably apply elsewhere.
Still, false flattery may be interpreted literally, prompting the rejected applicant to reply with equal bravado. (Sir, I鈥檓 willing to lower my standards for your conglomerate. Does the job come with a car?)
The naysayer still has the option to be more direct and not waste time with niceties and opt to simply be rude. Read my lips 鈥 No, N-O, nada, no way鈥 the exit is to your left. Still, such a rude response is seldom resorted to. This aggressive approach is bound to create the negative image of a bully to be avoided, even by friends who don鈥檛 need anything.
Artful rejections rule our social dealings, extending even to casually solicited compliments. (How do you like my new tattoo?) Appeals for compliments are like rhetorical questions which only require a grunt or a nod, since there is no real desire to invite an honest comment. (You don鈥檛 really want to know what I think.)
Is a casual request for dinner to be taken seriously when given in a big group where most have already gotten a formal invitation? Is saying, 鈥渨e鈥檒l try to make it鈥 considered a firm pledge to drop in? Did you inadvertently join a group that meets regularly?
How refreshing it is, though somewhat off-putting at first, to get straight answers from western cultures! A request with no likelihood of being granted is simply rejected out of hand 鈥 No, that鈥檚 not for you. Even firing people requires no song-and-dance of pretend grief. It鈥檚 a simple note 鈥 can you see me this afternoon? (We鈥檒l compute your separation pay.)
When we say, 鈥渕aybe, yes,鈥 it is no longer distinguishable from a straightforward no. 鈥淪low walking鈥 is an artful way of dodging an issue. Just drag your feet on a reply, whether it is affirmative or not. The issue will resolve itself somehow 鈥 Hey, you already got another job.
Maybe we have traded a straight and quick reply with a slow and ambiguous response. When we are confronted by cultures which are more direct and have no difficulty in communicating rejection, we are likely to be offended by brutal candor.
Is it any wonder that event organizers tear their hair out when requesting for RSVP in the invitation? A straightforward 鈥渞egret,鈥 given too early, can sound like an affront. Not responding has become the default option. At the event, nobody will be looking for the absentee.
Tony Samson is chairman and CEO of TOUCH xda
